Post by testarossa on Jul 21, 2006 14:44:32 GMT -6
Just a little humor, boy I know I sure could use it, can't take it anymore, need to laugh my ass off. Here 2 to start.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
> >
> >
> > 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
> > boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
> > instantly removed.
> >
> > 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> > someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> > 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> > using the sink.
> >
> > 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
> > a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
> > timer.
> >
> > 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
> > from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
> >
> > 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
> > will be afraid to cough.
> >
> > 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
> > forget all about the toothache.
> >
> > 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the tools of life really are:
> > You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
> > should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
> >
> > 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
> >
> > 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
> >
> > Thoughts for the day:
> >
> > If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
> >
> > Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might
> > need them to empty your bedpan.
> >
> > SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..........
> > ...THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT
> > THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH
> > THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
Old but still funny..
I MET A SWEET, LOVELY GENTLEMAN AND FELL IN LOVE.
>
>
>
> WHEN IT BECAME APPARENT THAT WE WOULD MARRY, I MADE A SUPREME
SACRIFICE
> AND GAVE UP BEANS.
>
>
>
> SOME MONTHS LATER, ON MY BIRTHDAY, MY CAR BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME
> FROM WORK.
>
>
>
> SINCE I LIVED IN THE COUNTRYSIDE I CALLED MY HUSBAND AND TOLD HIM
THAT I
> WOULD BE LATE BECAUSE I HAD TO WALK HOME.
>
>
>
> ON MY WAY, I PASSED BY A SMALL DINER AND THE ODOR OF BAKED BEANS WAS
> MORE THAN I COULD STAND.
>
>
>
> WITH MILES TO WALK, I FIGURED THAT I WOULD WALK OFF ANY ILL EFFECTS
BY
> THE TIME I REACHED HOME. SO I STOPPED AT THE DINER AND BEFORE I KNEW
IT,
> I HAD C ONSUMED THREE LARGE ORDERS OF BAKED BEANS.
>
>
>
> ALL THE WAY HOME, I MADE SURE THAT I RELEASED ALL THE GAS.
>
>
>
> UPON MY ARRIVAL, MY HUSBAND SEEMED EXCITED TO SEE ME AND EXCLAIMED
> DELIGHTEDLY: "DARLING I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR DINNER TONIGHT".
>
>
>
> HE THEN BLINDFOLDED ME AND LED ME TO MY CHAIR AT THE DINNER TABLE.
>
>
>
> I TOOK A SEAT AND JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO REMOVE MY BLINDFOLD, THE
> TELEPHONE RANG.
>
>
>
> HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TOUCH THE BLINDFOLD UNTIL HE RETURNED AND
WENT
> TO ANSWER THE CALL.
>
>
>
> THE BAKED BEANS I HAD CONSUMED WERE STILL AFFECTING ME AND THE
PRESSURE
> WAS BECOMING MOST UNBEARABLE, SO WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS OUT OF THE ROOM
I
> SEIZED THE OPPORTUNITY, SHIFTED MY WIEGHT TO ONE LEG AND LET ONE GO.
>
>& nbsp;
>
> IT WAS NOT LOUD, BUT IT SMELLED LIKE A FERTILIZER TRUCK RUNNING OVER
A
> SKUNK IN FRONT OF A PULPWOOD MILL.
>
>
>
> I TOOK MY NAPKIN FROM MY LAP AND FANNED THE AIR AROUND ME VIGOROUSLY.
>
>
>
> THEN, SHIFTING TO THE OTHER CHEEK, I RIPPED OFF THREE MORE. THE STINK
> WAS WORSE THAN COOKED CABBAGE.
>
>
>
> KEEPING MY EARS CAREFULLY TUNED TO THE CONVERSATION IN THE OTHER
ROOM, I
> WENT ON LIKE THIS FOR A FEW MINUTES.
>
>
>
> THE PLEASURE WAS INDESCRIBABLE.
>
>
>
> WHEN EVENTUALLY THE TELEPHONE FAREWELLS SIGNALED THE END OF MY
FREEDOM,
> I QUICKLY FANNED THE AIR A FEW MORE TIMES WITH MY NAPKIN, PLACED IT
ON
> MY LAP FOLDED MY HANDS BACK ON IT FEELING VERY RELIEVED AND PLEASED
WITH
> MYSELF.
>
> MY FACE MUST HAVE BEEN THE PICTURE OF INNOCENCE WHE N MY HUSBAND
> RETURNED, APOLOGIZING FOR TAKING SO LONG.
>
>
>
> HE ASKED ME IF I HAD PEEKED THROUGH THE BLINDFOLD, AND I ASSURED HIM
I
> HAD NOT.
>
> AT THIS POINT, HE REMOVED THE BLINDFOLD, AND TWELVE DINNER GUESTS
SEATED
> AROUND THE TABLE CHORUSED: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!"
>
>
>
> I FAINTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
> >
> >
> > 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
> > boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
> > instantly removed.
> >
> > 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> > someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> > 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> > using the sink.
> >
> > 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
> > a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
> > timer.
> >
> > 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
> > from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
> >
> > 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
> > will be afraid to cough.
> >
> > 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
> > forget all about the toothache.
> >
> > 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the tools of life really are:
> > You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
> > should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
> >
> > 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
> >
> > 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
> >
> > Thoughts for the day:
> >
> > If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
> >
> > Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might
> > need them to empty your bedpan.
> >
> > SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..........
> > ...THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT
> > THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH
> > THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
Old but still funny..
I MET A SWEET, LOVELY GENTLEMAN AND FELL IN LOVE.
>
>
>
> WHEN IT BECAME APPARENT THAT WE WOULD MARRY, I MADE A SUPREME
SACRIFICE
> AND GAVE UP BEANS.
>
>
>
> SOME MONTHS LATER, ON MY BIRTHDAY, MY CAR BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME
> FROM WORK.
>
>
>
> SINCE I LIVED IN THE COUNTRYSIDE I CALLED MY HUSBAND AND TOLD HIM
THAT I
> WOULD BE LATE BECAUSE I HAD TO WALK HOME.
>
>
>
> ON MY WAY, I PASSED BY A SMALL DINER AND THE ODOR OF BAKED BEANS WAS
> MORE THAN I COULD STAND.
>
>
>
> WITH MILES TO WALK, I FIGURED THAT I WOULD WALK OFF ANY ILL EFFECTS
BY
> THE TIME I REACHED HOME. SO I STOPPED AT THE DINER AND BEFORE I KNEW
IT,
> I HAD C ONSUMED THREE LARGE ORDERS OF BAKED BEANS.
>
>
>
> ALL THE WAY HOME, I MADE SURE THAT I RELEASED ALL THE GAS.
>
>
>
> UPON MY ARRIVAL, MY HUSBAND SEEMED EXCITED TO SEE ME AND EXCLAIMED
> DELIGHTEDLY: "DARLING I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR DINNER TONIGHT".
>
>
>
> HE THEN BLINDFOLDED ME AND LED ME TO MY CHAIR AT THE DINNER TABLE.
>
>
>
> I TOOK A SEAT AND JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO REMOVE MY BLINDFOLD, THE
> TELEPHONE RANG.
>
>
>
> HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TOUCH THE BLINDFOLD UNTIL HE RETURNED AND
WENT
> TO ANSWER THE CALL.
>
>
>
> THE BAKED BEANS I HAD CONSUMED WERE STILL AFFECTING ME AND THE
PRESSURE
> WAS BECOMING MOST UNBEARABLE, SO WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS OUT OF THE ROOM
I
> SEIZED THE OPPORTUNITY, SHIFTED MY WIEGHT TO ONE LEG AND LET ONE GO.
>
>& nbsp;
>
> IT WAS NOT LOUD, BUT IT SMELLED LIKE A FERTILIZER TRUCK RUNNING OVER
A
> SKUNK IN FRONT OF A PULPWOOD MILL.
>
>
>
> I TOOK MY NAPKIN FROM MY LAP AND FANNED THE AIR AROUND ME VIGOROUSLY.
>
>
>
> THEN, SHIFTING TO THE OTHER CHEEK, I RIPPED OFF THREE MORE. THE STINK
> WAS WORSE THAN COOKED CABBAGE.
>
>
>
> KEEPING MY EARS CAREFULLY TUNED TO THE CONVERSATION IN THE OTHER
ROOM, I
> WENT ON LIKE THIS FOR A FEW MINUTES.
>
>
>
> THE PLEASURE WAS INDESCRIBABLE.
>
>
>
> WHEN EVENTUALLY THE TELEPHONE FAREWELLS SIGNALED THE END OF MY
FREEDOM,
> I QUICKLY FANNED THE AIR A FEW MORE TIMES WITH MY NAPKIN, PLACED IT
ON
> MY LAP FOLDED MY HANDS BACK ON IT FEELING VERY RELIEVED AND PLEASED
WITH
> MYSELF.
>
> MY FACE MUST HAVE BEEN THE PICTURE OF INNOCENCE WHE N MY HUSBAND
> RETURNED, APOLOGIZING FOR TAKING SO LONG.
>
>
>
> HE ASKED ME IF I HAD PEEKED THROUGH THE BLINDFOLD, AND I ASSURED HIM
I
> HAD NOT.
>
> AT THIS POINT, HE REMOVED THE BLINDFOLD, AND TWELVE DINNER GUESTS
SEATED
> AROUND THE TABLE CHORUSED: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!"
>
>
>
> I FAINTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
.
